03.21.2006
Advice for Struggling Comic Book Writers
Donald Peru gets folks asking him every day how they can break into the comic book industry BIG TIME, like him. There are an estimated 173,492,220 people in the world at any minute who want what he has in life: fame, power, a four-hundred dollar MINIMUM savings account at Wachovia, and a sweet 2003 Camry with AIRBAGS. It's practically a LEXUS; there are cupholders EVERYWHERE. So he decided to present his advice on the subject here, where it is more readily available.
Hi, folks! So, you all want to become famous comic book writers and whatnot? Here is my advice:
1. First, PLEASE STOP TRYING TO BECOME COMIC BOOK WRITERS. I mean, what the fuck are you people doing? There are SO MANY of you! I AM TRYING TO GET DARK HORSE COMICS TO NOTICE MY SHIT AND YOU ARE TAKING UP THEIR ATTENTION!! Oh my god seriously! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?
2. Man. Maybe you can take a break from worrying about YOURSELF for a fucking second, and write Dark Horse Comics a letter ABOUT HOW YOU WANT THEM TO MAKE MY SAILBOAT COMIC. It is so awesome -- there is, like, this whole issue where there's not even talking in it!! BUT IT NEEDS TO BE PUBLISHED FIRST. WRITE YOUR LETTERS ABOUT THAT. Did you ever even, did you ever THINK of that?? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU OH MY FUCKING GOD?!?!?!
3. DREAMS DON'T LOOK GOOD ON NO RESUME. You can't roll up to your high school reunion in DREAMS, and expect to impress all your old crushes. THEY WILL LAUGH AT YOU AND GO FUCK THEIR SPOUSES, IN THEIR BIG CUSHY TEN-BEDROOM HOUSES. It's time to put your shitty meaningless Business degree to profitable use, little caterpillar.
4. And yo, if you DO become a successful comic book writer, CAN YOU PLEASE HOOK ME UP WITH SOME CONNECTIONS???? I need to get PAID. God DAMN. What the FUCK.
Good luck, you FUCKING WHORES
-Donald Peru