Stolen Faces Parade

The Model faces from: A Sculptor's Model' by ...

northshoretotes — Mon, 06 Nov 2006 23:14:00 +0000

The Model

faces from: A Sculptor's Model' by Sir Lawrence Alma-Tadema.

10.13.2006 Whoa Sacrafice Alert

In the old days, before God had a cellphone, it would be a struggle to get these kind of messages out to his people in time.

IT'S BEEN A MONTH AND A HALF OH MAN. But you did see that Death posted a new MYFACE blog, right? OF COURSE YOU DID, BECAUSE YOU ALWAYS KNEW HE WASN'T REALLY ANOTHER ONE OF MY ABANDONED IDEAS YET.

faces from: 'The Sacrifice of Isaac' by Michelangelo Merisi da Caravaggio.

Rugby Veteren news for today: engaged with you...

northshoretotes — Tue, 05 Sep 2006 02:07:00 +0000

Rugby Veteren

news for today:

engaged with young couple in the following conversation:
COUPLE: [can I check for more of this lightbulb?]
ME: Sure, let me... here, hold this.
OTHER EMPLOYEE: Well, you want me to help them?
ME: No, hold this and I'll help them.
OTHER EMPLOYEE: Well, I was going to help her.
ME: What? I'll -- no, I'll help them.
OTHER EMPLOYEE: Yeah, and somebody needs to help her [indicating additional customer].
ME: Ohhhh. Ok. [Begins to set down handful of lightbulbs.]
MALE (OF COUPLE): Shit, I don't care who goes up there. The ladder's right here I'll fucking go up on the ladder. [Walks toward ladder.]
ME: No, no, I've got it. [Takes ladder from male (of couple) who walks back to wait for me to bring it to the shelf.] I mean, I had lightbulbs in my hand. I could have thrown them on the ground to impress you...
MALE (OF COUPLE): Man I just wanted some fucking lightbulbs I didn't ask for no fucking smart ass attitude.

The rest of the conversation was basically an argument, in which it was decided that nobody will go look for lightbulbs.

faces from: 'Northwest Passage' by Millais.

Previous off-season posts:

8.25.2006 It's always everything

Mr. Horse felt the bags knew something about him like specifically.

news for today:

engaged with old dude in the following conversation:
HIM: "does this department have a manager?"
ME: "uh... yes.
HIM: "can I speak with him?"
ME: "you are!"
HIM: "well alright nevermind then."
ME: "ok."

also, purchased, for total of $56, following albums:
gould, bach clavier concertos. sony masterworks.
demidenko, clementi piano sonatas. hyperion helios.
horowitz, scarlatti piano sonatas. sony masterworks.
king / benson, brahms clarinet sonatas. hyperion helios. (what?)
tapes'n'tapes, 'the loon'

also also, engaged with foreign dude in following conversation:
HIM: "can... tell me... where... prtr sensors?"
ME: "... what?"
HIM: "the. um, (gesturing a line) sensors."
ME: "i -- i don't --"
HIM: "outside prtr sensors."
ME: "porter sensors? what? outside porter?"
HIM: "um... no?"
ME: (squinting insanely for like a minute) "I really don't know what you mean."
HIM: "ok... thank you."
ME: "ok."

faces from: 'St. Columba Bidding Farewell to the White Horse' by Duncan.

7.03.2006 Vacilo Corregir

this is a fun game you can play with friends with any language.

faces from: 'Le Chant D'Amour' by Burne-Jones.

6.23.2006 Good job you get an 'a'.

This was on in the waiting room for my hand-bone surgery today. Another Starting Over housemate had to make jewelry and sell it at a profit even though she doesn't know how to do that and it was supposed to demonstrate that she has skills even though she thinks she doesn't. Ok and yeah she might have a lot of trouble with the concept of 'trying' but what the hell how is somebody supposed to do something completely new without ANY FUCKING TRAINING and succeed at it in a day? Most people who excell or innovate within a field have had YEARS of experience in that field. If anybody figured out how to do something new in a FUCKING DAY without the benefit of other people's experience then he or she was like one in a billion and probably didn't turn out to be anybody that important anyway. That is what is disappointing about the apprentice show. What do you expect of people that you aren't bothering to train? The tool who doesn't care if he does something remotely right or not, because his stupid tool parents will still love him either way, will win your dumbass contest. If you think you can see what people are capable of in a few hours without showing and explaining to them what they are supposed to do for several days at least, then you DON'T UNDERSTAND MANAGEMENT. I don't care if you DO run a company, you freakin tool.

Connie or whoever's coach was very upset about the whole thing, waiting on the street where Connie was supposed to be selling shitty jewelry, for an hour and a half. OH MY GOD SKANK SHE LEFT YOU TWO VOICEMAILS. WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST NOT BE A TOTAL ASS AND CHECK YOUR FUCKING VOICEMAIL, AND PLUS WHICH WE SAW THAT STREET IT WAS ON THE CAMERA THERE WERE JUST TWO PEOPLE THERE AT 5PM HOW DO YOU SELL JEWELRY TO TWO PEOPLE??? NOT BY YELLING SELF-RIGHTEOUS BULLSHIT AT THEM PROBABLY! Oh, and Ellen was on before that, and somebody named Wynona Judd played a song and it was awesome? And I am going to buy that cd now?

Anyhow. Maybe I talk about my hand bone on MYFACE. It is why this site was dead for a week.

faces from: 'Hearts Are Trumps' and 'A Jersey Lily' by Millais.

6.16.2006

myspace update: Death writes erotic indie-rock fiction.

6.12.2006 Clean joke.

That was also just about how most 'your mama' jokes went back then. Someone was getting on your nerves, you would just say, 'Oh yeah! Well, your mother sex with your father and then she gave birth to like ten new babies.'

faces from: 'The Music of a Bygone Age' by John Melhuish Strudwick.

6.04.2006 A Troubled Soul.

HELLO, is Pretends Like Three Minutes Is a Really Long Time working tonight? I know, uh, I know her card says she's off Thursdays...

In news, there are new reviews in here.

faces from: 'The Confession' by Dicksee.

5.27.2006

Fuck it! This vacation has just become an OFF-SEASON. I spent my week, among other things, reading more other webcomics finally and YO THERE ARE TOO MANY HUMOR WEBCOMICS. Nobody needs me adding to it unless I've really got something to say.

During off season:
-I will be working on causing my two real comics to start existing more.
-Death will be active on Myspace and reviewing music -- man that guy is pretty determined!
-Occasional comics may appear here and they will be large and theoretically worth the wait.
-One of my real comics will begin. They are both SO AWESOME.
-No one will notice what this website is doing anyway. Man, if this website fell in a forest, nobody would hear SHIT.
-Oh, and Shit I need to do some gardening I mean seriously. I bought these, uh, gloves? I really need to use them.

And then at some point in the summer, SFP will return with season two, featuring four+ updates a week again! FUCKING COOL.

i bet your mama was a tent-show queen New comic...

northshoretotes — Sat, 20 May 2006 20:19:00 +0000

i bet your mama was a tent-show queen

New comic. Is it, uh... it's still Friday, right? Sure.

Hey! I have been reflecting on maturity on my MYFACE blog. COOL.

faces from: 'Endymoin' by Arthur Hughes.

Why would I have meant the couch. GET IT?? They...

northshoretotes — Thu, 18 May 2006 19:45:00 +0000

Why would I have meant the couch.

GET IT?? They're in the future and they're talking about watches. It's a commentary on time or something.

Reasonable-sized comic tomorrow maybe.

faces from: 'Il Dolce far Niente' by Franz Xavier Winterhalter.

I am back. Is it just me, or is it EXTREMELY CL...

northshoretotes — Tue, 16 May 2006 05:43:00 +0000

I am back.

Is it just me, or is it EXTREMELY CLEVER IN HERE?

In other news, Death posts a new blog on MYFACE.

Today I was at mother's day dinner, with my mother, no less -- see ladies this cat is mad traditional -- and it was this Salvadoran / Mexican place on eighth street near where my mom works and it was a very nice meal and all, but when the check was presented there sat on top of it three pieces of candy and one piece of gum. This made absolutely no sense to me. I mean, was one person supposed to have two pieces of candy and the other one candy and one gum, or did all the candy go to one person and the other got the gum? Plus it was weird candy. Weird obscure candy that you could only find in a city, never a suburb. It was Flintstone-branded chews, but clearly Hanna-Barbara has not been too picky about their candy licensing, because I am pretty sure that the manufacturing plant for these chews is somebody's basement. The gum was the best part though.

The name of the gum is Gum Time. My mother didn't understand why I was quite so amused by this. But still, she said, 'Hey kids, it's gum time.' To show she knew it was certainly in part an amusing name. But then I added, 'GOOD THING I'M GUM.', and that was the only time she ever got one of my jokes.

faces from: 'The Rescue' by Arthur Hughes.

Time Machine Stop -Well hello, Thomas, long tim...

northshoretotes — Fri, 12 May 2006 08:26:00 +0000

Time Machine Stop

-Well hello, Thomas, long time no see -- hope you like BEING ATTACKED BY ROBOTS.
-Ah, god damn it! You asshole! You don't even HAVE a cat!

Death's new reviews are up in the music section. The Flaming Lips one he actually just gave me five dollars to write, and then he put 'Pretty Spooky' or something at the end like that made it his own review.

During the eighties it was a major anxiety that if you suddenly had to go into the future, some guy you know might possibly be ruling the world and macking all up on your god damn wife. [Edit: Wow, apparently that Estivez movie was made in 92. That's weird. Man, time travel is confusing! Really I've never actually like watched the movie; is this what happens in it?]

faces from: 'Il Dolce far Niente' by Franz Xavier Winterhalter.

Dental Work. So uh like I was saying Would you ...

northshoretotes — Thu, 11 May 2006 07:47:00 +0000

Dental Work.

So uh like I was saying Would you like me to have sex with you too? I think we would both look very sexy having naked sex with each other -- there would be teeth everywhere.

Should have some new reviews by Death up sometime today. He is nearly over the vomiting misery inflicted by the first two; it is a dirty-ass racket, the critic biz, and he swore he would never go back to it. Still it's nice to be able to pretend like people care what you think!

faces from: 'Flirt' by Mucha.

Disciplin. This is basically my idea of what ha...

northshoretotes — Tue, 09 May 2006 21:23:00 +0000

Disciplin.

This is basically my idea of what happens in households with more than one parent.

'Mom, Francis said he was gonna set Princess Pony on fire and murder her!'
'Did not! She's lying!'
'I'm not lying. You're a murderer!'
'CHILDREN DO WE HAVE TO PLAY FINAL JEOPARDY??'
'...No, ma'am...'

Me I was just quiet all the time, or else mom would remind me that I was a horrible person. I didn't have time to worry about Princess Pony because I was too busy trying to figure out how to turn a bottle of apple juice into A MEAL.

faces from: 'Light of the Harem' by Leighton.

Father will be so angry. Oh wait it was, it was...

northshoretotes — Mon, 08 May 2006 21:26:00 +0000

Father will be so angry.

Oh wait it was, it was Gorilla glue. Shit, I ain't no doctor.

How many car accidents does the average person witness, I mean actually watch the moment of crashing, I wonder. As of today I am at three. I have I must have a good sense for it. Actually, mostly I just drive around thinking, 'Man, that fucker's gonna crash' about everybody. But still I'm watching when it actually happens.

faces from: 'David' by Caravaggio.

¡tantos niños lisiados! The young student has b...

northshoretotes — Sat, 06 May 2006 23:49:00 +0000

¡tantos niños lisiados!

The young student has been given the impression that children in Spanish-speaking countries are disproportionately handicapped because they are portrayed as such in the illustrations of her text book. This does not explain why she would not want to go to school in those countries.

PS, sorry for freaking out. Today after in fact a full night of sleep but one infused with vivid restless dreams wherein I imagined that I was experiencing an awkward reunion with my high-school prom date and I had discovered, in some abandoned folder of my old computer, downloaded photos of hilarious Dinosaur-Comics-brand backpacks(?) from 2003 that I never knew I had, and every other anxiety of my life paraded forth as well in a precise specific catalog of inscrutable mental trauma, I awoke still rather restless, but at last after working up a healthy sweat getting some carts in under warming pre-noon sky I felt the calm and equilibrium return once more, and as if to cement my neurotransmitter homeostasis I accidentally electrocuted myself while adjusting a lighting fixture. My first electrocution!

It mostly just felt like fear. Like my arm was for a brief moment very afraid of something, but the rest of me couldn't really understand what it was or what it had to do with the funny little buzzing sound.

Then after lunch I get back in my car and essentially all the trees in the neighborhood raped me with their air sperm. It actually snowed tree sex. Trees are MAJOR perverts. So is coral from what I understand.

faces from: 'Une vocation' by Bouguereau.

Fuck fuck fuck Too much wild energy in the brain ...

northshoretotes — Sat, 06 May 2006 04:18:00 +0000

Fuck fuck fuck

Too much wild energy in the brain right now I can't sit down and tune into the little voices saying 'What think you of these shoes?' or whatever I mean who fucking cares so No comic today. I have work in sevenpointsixty hours there is no way I am getting to bed before 4am I mean I am WIRED. Is there -- does -- I need, I need to FILM a MOVIE. RIGHT NOW. Where can I go to do this where is the place who do I what do I have to do to do this right now. I mean, FUCK.

What the fuck, fuck webcomics! They are SO dumb. SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO DUMB. There was a picture here too but I took it away. Maybe actual comic on Saturday Eveningtime.

Idle moments. Does it, like, grow with you, or ...

northshoretotes — Thu, 04 May 2006 23:32:00 +0000

Idle moments.

Does it, like, grow with you, or do you have to get new ones?

Speaking of Death, the man-person himself has once again updated his MYFACE blog. I guess he wants attention or something. The important thing is that readers realize that if there are no jokes in the comic, maybe I put them elsewhere? and you are never certain.

You should also check out his new friends the band Giddy-up, Helicopter! they have a badass Smog cover and they seem generally neat.

Speaking of music, is anybody else, just, like, not listening to their new Islands cd? On account of the mega-disappointment I mean? Yes -- RIGHT. For real. Me, too.

faces from: 'Rest on Flight to Egypt' by Caravaggio.

Oh, no, now I've offended them. I have been mea...

northshoretotes — Wed, 03 May 2006 02:00:00 +0000

Oh, no, now I've offended them.

I have been meaning to see that.

faces from: THE BEST PAINTING EVER by Waterhouse.

A Comedic Situation Hello. I am Helen. I deal m...

northshoretotes — Mon, 01 May 2006 15:42:00 +0000

A Comedic Situation

Hello. I am Helen. I deal mostly with pictures of cats in strange and amusing poses. Do you, uh, do you have any cats?

Man, what the fuck happened, April? I was all like, 'Hey look it's April', and you were just like 'Bye!' Damn. That's alright May is a nice month too. May makes us want to sing songs. Like, "Hey hey hey, it is May. What can I say? Today is some kind of... day... Um... baby."

faces from: 'A Symphony' by John Melhuish Strudwick.

ad I do not understand this commercial. Man, t...

northshoretotes — Sat, 29 Apr 2006 22:35:00 +0000

ad

I do not understand this commercial.

Man, taco bell lady, why are you going to ask me if I want sauce and then not even listen to my answer? "Fire" is not spelled with the word "hot". None of the letters in the word "hot" are even in the word "fire" ANYWHERE. And then why are you going to pick THIS occasion not to give me fifty napkins like normal, so obviously with so much untouched hot sauce on my wrapper after I finish eating, that when I squeeze the wrapper into a ball, hot sauce just squirts out onto my pants? It was very difficult to clean with only three napkins! What is your problem? I ask for fire sauce, and you're just thinking, 'Oh yeah, I'm going to get hot sauce all OVER this guys hands.' That ain't nice. That's mean. I got enough problems. Clearly.

faces from: 'Hide and Seek', 'The Sporting Ladies', 'Portsmouth Dockyard', 'Beating the Retreat in the Tuileries Gardens', and 'Faust and Marguerite in the Garden' by Tissot.

on this sea-drift sun what can you do? So this...

northshoretotes — Fri, 28 Apr 2006 21:03:00 +0000

on this sea-drift sun
what can you do?

So this week was of the 62.5 work-hour variety. That is fun and all, but having to get up at 5.3a I essentially have not talked to my muffin lips at all since sunday. I mean, it is a nice break from arguing, but still, the missing, it hurts in my feelings.

"Tell not my heart, Tell not
that savant of aching, that specialist of breaking,
for I doubt it should comprehend thy import."

This comic will update on Saturday, reader one and reader two, so maybe come back to check on it. Or just look for two comics on Monday.

faces from: 'The Sorceress' by Waterhouse.

This does not happen in the past. Rather soon a...

northshoretotes — Fri, 28 Apr 2006 00:57:00 +0000

This does not happen in the past.

Rather soon after I thought of this joke, I realized that somebody else has probably made it already. And they have. But at least I didn't spend, god damn, five hundred words on it or whatever. Anyway somebody has already made EVERY JOKE, so FUCK IT.

I remember when I came up with my 'I like my women like I like my coffee, young and bound up with rope.' joke. And I was like, 'Damn, I hope this stays fresh for I guess ten years while I become a stand-up comedian despite not really wanting to be one?', but it did not happen. Everyone has made that joke eight times now.

Before the internet only like 20 people in the world were allowed to tell you jokes. And 19 of them always sucked. So it was basically very encouraging back them.

There are actually only four combinations of words left that have not been already used as the title of a webcomic. For real. I mean

OH MY GOD I JUST REALIZED I HAVE A COLD-SORE ON MY THAT WRIGLY THING IN THE BACK OF THE MOUTH

Cupid I thought, what's a really easy comic I c...

northshoretotes — Wed, 26 Apr 2006 00:58:00 +0000

Cupid

I thought, what's a really easy comic I can do, so I can go to bed finally -- and this is what I came up with? This comic has like two hundred words in it. That is way past the goal of six.

faces from: 'Love and the Maiden' by John Roddam Spencer Stanhope.

Five and Two, part 4 In this life like weeds, O...

northshoretotes — Tue, 25 Apr 2006 01:47:00 +0000

Five and Two, part 4

In this life like weeds, Oh mist rolling in from the sea,

They aint made of nothin but Smiles in the sunshine.

Hey, look at that: Death can desaturate REALITY.

faces from: 'The Dance of Death' by Sidney Harold Meteyard.

Like, philosophy for teens I guess? It turns ou...

northshoretotes — Sat, 22 Apr 2006 18:51:00 +0000

Like, philosophy for teens I guess?

It turns out Terry is not the Devil, but it is too late he his row boat already got hit by an iceberg and his parents regret their decision. The book is about understanding the eccentricities of others.

Madeline Marie does have cancer actually.

faces from: 'The Inspiration of Saint Matthew' by Caravaggio.

Five and Two, part 3 Death that was a pretty sp...

northshoretotes — Thu, 20 Apr 2006 17:24:00 +0000

Five and Two, part 3

Death that was a pretty spooky story!

In the background Dylan is playing, the song is I Shall Be Free No. 10, the part about 'Barry Goldwater rl marry mi daughtr?!'. I didn't feel like fussing with the text but it is what they are listening to. Dylan is a poet and he know it; he hopes he don't blow it.

faces from: see prev.

Five and Two, INTERLUDE Who wants to read a bas...

northshoretotes — Wed, 19 Apr 2006 16:20:00 +0000

Five and Two, INTERLUDE

Who wants to read a bastard mimeograph anyway!? All purple text with the professor's cheerful little heading, like, "EXERCISE 11: Let's see what we can cook up today, kids!

"I bet it will be more interesting than water!"

Fucker!

faces from: 'Lucifer and Prince Henry' by Sidney Harold Meteyard.

Five and Two, part 2 Death pleads statistics. ...

northshoretotes — Tue, 18 Apr 2006 16:13:00 +0000

Five and Two, part 2

Death pleads statistics.

In present-time, Death has made the first post to his MYFACE blog. He has also made friends with some real cool bands how awesome is that?? Way to go, Death.

faces from: 'The Dance of Death' by Sidney Harold Meteyard.

Five and Two, part 1 Man. He's always gotta rub...

northshoretotes — Mon, 17 Apr 2006 11:51:00 +0000

Five and Two, part 1

Man. He's always gotta rub it in. Death is kind of a jerk.

Speaking of which, Death now has his own MYFACE page: But why?

faces from: 'The Dance of Death' by Sidney Harold Meteyard.

Fair Man, when mom would pull the old 'who will...

northshoretotes — Fri, 14 Apr 2006 17:39:00 +0000

Fair

Man, when mom would pull the old 'who will feed old people' line on me, that would just mean the argument was over. There was no way I would still feel like doing whatever I was going to do.

faces from: 'La Ghirlandata' by Rosetti.